Hope

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most confident person. I often suffer from low self-esteem, not believing I am good enough to do something, not believing what I do is good enough. I also don't like to stray far from what I know. So it was probably quite a shock to everybody, not least myself, when I agreed to a job in London. London that is far away from everything I know. London that is a large, scary city. London that is very busy and full of people. But I did it. I moved to London and started my first proper job.

On my first day, I had all of my usual nerves - what if I can't do it? what if they realise they've made a mistake in hiring me? what if I make a fool of myself? (along with my recently developed nervous throwing up, which I am NOT pleased has started). But my training went ok, and I liked the people there, and I very quickly started to feel settled in my work. I still occasionally get random thoughts of not being good enough going through my head, but I am perservering, and actually enjoying myself in my job. I have started doing things that contribute to the team and I think my Unit Leader and Mentor are pleased with my progress. I have gotten brave enough to move to the big table at lunch and actually join in with conversation there, instead of sitting by myself reading. I am doing well.

I am not doing so well with living. I'm not going to go into it all again (I'm sure you are sick of hearing me complain about it...), but I have made the decision that I am not going to continue my contract where I am currently living. I actually have plans to move to Hayward's Heath, where my parents recently moved to, for the next 6 months, maybe more depending on where the boyfriend ends up doing his PGCE.

Ordinarily, I would think of this as a failure. I failed to live in London on my own. I failed to be away from my family. I failed to be a normal functioning adult.

Today I changed my mind.

I haven't failed.

I have won.

I have chosen to do what is best for me. I have chosen to fight for my life, rather than sit here being miserable and depressed. I have chosen to make a stand and do what I want for my life.

Everyone always tells me that to get over my depression I just need to look at the good that will happen in the future. But how could I do that when so much bad was happening to me now? After nearly 6 and a half years of being together, the boyfriend and I still ccan't live together and we keep getting into stupid arguments over nothing. I hate where I live. I often feel alone. I don't know how to get out of my depressive spirals down into bad places where my emotions turn themselves off.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I can see past the immediate suffering and look forward to the good things.

I am looking forward to being closer to my mum, step-dad and the tiddlers.
I am looking forward to being able to start training for the Market Drayton 10K, and what better way to do it than with a running partner through the woods?
I am looking forward to not taking the tube. Yes my commute will be longer and less flexible, but it's an actual train, so I will be able to read or listen to podcasts on my journey.
I am looking forward to being in a quieter place.
I am looking forward to going shopping with my mum, or looking after the tiddlers while she goes shopping.
I am looking forward to being in my own place, not having my life dictated by my fears of other people.
I am looking forward to starting my life again.

So yes, maybe I didn't make the most of the opportunities that London has to offer while being so close to it all, but that isn't me. I don't like to explore by myself. I like to do things with the people I love. I don't think that's a failure. What is a failure is knowing this and not doing anything about it.

So I'm doing something about it. I know it isn't just suddenly going to be easy. There is still the big strain of a long distance relationship, which is made that much harder by the difficulty of getting to and from Lampeter. We both struggle with the distance, but we are fighting hard to keep thngs together, to keep things good. I hope that by being more comfortable with myself and my life, I can help to make that distance seem a little smaller, and the countdown to when we can finally be together properly seem a little bit shorter.

I count that as a win.

London

Last week I started my new job in London. That's right, London. London is the last place I ever thought I would accept a job and move to. I am very definitely a small town country bumpkin. I like peace and quiet and small things, which London very definitely is not.

I have surprised myself by settling into the routine of working in London quite well. I've sorted out how I'm getting into work every morning. Not quite decided how I'm getting back each night yet, although judging from today's journey, I think I might try to stick out the Hammersmith and City Line. I was hesitant to before because it doesn't run as regularly and reliably as the Central line, but the Central line gets so crammed I end up waiting the same amount of time to get on a train anyway. Hammersmith is at least more comfortable to travel on. I have yet to work out how I will deal with tube strikes being on - this week's were thankfully cancelled. There is a direct bus route, but I'm not sure what time I should get it so that I'm not late and it won't be too busy. I'll have to just see how that goes as and when it happens I guess.

The thing I'm not settling so well into is the actual living in London. London is so expensive, so I'm currently in a flat share - i.e. living in a room. The flat is quite nice, my room is nice and big, and it is in an ok area, but I am really not enjoying it. Mum keeps telling me to treat it like I'm still at Uni, which kind of makes sense. I want to make her proud and show her I can just get on with it, but the problem is, this is exactly the bits of Uni that I hated. Living with strangers, who have different lifestyles to me, that I will never see enough of to truly be comfortable around. I need a lot of time with people before I can feel at ease, part of my anxieties I guess. It makes it very difficult for me to relax when I really need to be. I get scared to go in the kitchen in case someone sees me. I don't want to speak or sing because the walls are so thin I feel like everyone will hear everything I say. I get tense about the thought of having to go cook food or use the shower. I am really not coping well with it. Everyday I have come back from work and wished I was just at home. I don't know what to do about it.

A leaving present from my little sister to make me more excited about London

I really wish that I was more of a people person, but right now, all I can think about is how I am not built to share houses like this. I want to be in my own place, where I feel safe and comfortable, and can relax and enjoy myself. I'm not sure I will feel that here. Of course what I really want is to be able to finally live with the boyfriend, but we have at least another year before that can happen. I still think that there is something better than this arrangement out there for me somewhere. I'm just not sure how to find it.