Hope

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the most confident person. I often suffer from low self-esteem, not believing I am good enough to do something, not believing what I do is good enough. I also don't like to stray far from what I know. So it was probably quite a shock to everybody, not least myself, when I agreed to a job in London. London that is far away from everything I know. London that is a large, scary city. London that is very busy and full of people. But I did it. I moved to London and started my first proper job.

On my first day, I had all of my usual nerves - what if I can't do it? what if they realise they've made a mistake in hiring me? what if I make a fool of myself? (along with my recently developed nervous throwing up, which I am NOT pleased has started). But my training went ok, and I liked the people there, and I very quickly started to feel settled in my work. I still occasionally get random thoughts of not being good enough going through my head, but I am perservering, and actually enjoying myself in my job. I have started doing things that contribute to the team and I think my Unit Leader and Mentor are pleased with my progress. I have gotten brave enough to move to the big table at lunch and actually join in with conversation there, instead of sitting by myself reading. I am doing well.

I am not doing so well with living. I'm not going to go into it all again (I'm sure you are sick of hearing me complain about it...), but I have made the decision that I am not going to continue my contract where I am currently living. I actually have plans to move to Hayward's Heath, where my parents recently moved to, for the next 6 months, maybe more depending on where the boyfriend ends up doing his PGCE.

Ordinarily, I would think of this as a failure. I failed to live in London on my own. I failed to be away from my family. I failed to be a normal functioning adult.

Today I changed my mind.

I haven't failed.

I have won.

I have chosen to do what is best for me. I have chosen to fight for my life, rather than sit here being miserable and depressed. I have chosen to make a stand and do what I want for my life.

Everyone always tells me that to get over my depression I just need to look at the good that will happen in the future. But how could I do that when so much bad was happening to me now? After nearly 6 and a half years of being together, the boyfriend and I still ccan't live together and we keep getting into stupid arguments over nothing. I hate where I live. I often feel alone. I don't know how to get out of my depressive spirals down into bad places where my emotions turn themselves off.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I can see past the immediate suffering and look forward to the good things.

I am looking forward to being closer to my mum, step-dad and the tiddlers.
I am looking forward to being able to start training for the Market Drayton 10K, and what better way to do it than with a running partner through the woods?
I am looking forward to not taking the tube. Yes my commute will be longer and less flexible, but it's an actual train, so I will be able to read or listen to podcasts on my journey.
I am looking forward to being in a quieter place.
I am looking forward to going shopping with my mum, or looking after the tiddlers while she goes shopping.
I am looking forward to being in my own place, not having my life dictated by my fears of other people.
I am looking forward to starting my life again.

So yes, maybe I didn't make the most of the opportunities that London has to offer while being so close to it all, but that isn't me. I don't like to explore by myself. I like to do things with the people I love. I don't think that's a failure. What is a failure is knowing this and not doing anything about it.

So I'm doing something about it. I know it isn't just suddenly going to be easy. There is still the big strain of a long distance relationship, which is made that much harder by the difficulty of getting to and from Lampeter. We both struggle with the distance, but we are fighting hard to keep thngs together, to keep things good. I hope that by being more comfortable with myself and my life, I can help to make that distance seem a little smaller, and the countdown to when we can finally be together properly seem a little bit shorter.

I count that as a win.

31 Happy Days #4

I have two things to share today. One is serious, and one is silly. First of all, my new book came today.

It's a book with 365 quotes and insights that I thought might help me with battling my depression. Each day has a message and a goal to try and achieve. Who knows, it could work. Plus, I quite love Demi Lovato.

Now for the silly thing.

Legitimately got to write Ass all over my commutative algebra notes today. Had a right good giggle with my friend about that in the middle of lecture. We are so mature.

February Challenge

Last month, I decided to follow in my mother's footsteps and make 12 changes over the year to help me overcome my depression. Last month, my challenge was to manage my time so that I could keep busy.

This only half worked.

I started off well at the beginning of term. I was getting up early every day, going to bed at a reasonable time so I had lots of energy. I was trying to schedule my time so that I worked more productively. Then I fell behind a bit in my plan to write up my lecture notes in neat each week to keep on top of revision. This made me feel like I didn't deserve to do anything that wasn't work related, but I was in too bad of a mood to be motivated. The boyfriend and I also had some issues with communication that were causing us problems.

Despite the lack of motivation, I feel like I am in a better place in terms of my degree than I was last term. I am (mostly) on top of my assignments, and even have enjoyed doing a couple of them. I like Number Theory. The assignments I've had marked and handed back to me have been quite well graded, so I'm pleased with that. Most of my modules are fine, there is just one that I am really struggling to get my head around.

Another thing that has gotten me down is that I have had to stop running. I have a recurring problem with my knee that means it actually hurts to run, and hurts for a few days after I have done so. I went to the doctor, and I have a referral for a physio , but the earliest appointment I have been able to get is at the end of March... I have, however, been trying to do some exercises anyway to keep the strength up. I actually completed my 30 day challenge, which I am really pleased about - the furthest I've gotten previously before forgetting/giving up was about day 8. I bought a pilates set with a yoga ball and some weights in to hopefully spark some more interest for myself. I didn't manage to keep up with yoga, but I feel like I have been working on strength quite well, so I'm counting my exercise challenge as a job well done.

This month, as well as trying some new ideas with the boyfriend to get our schedules back up and running and effective once more, I want to focus on music. Music is a massive part of my life, but recently I have not felt in the mood for singing or playing. I don't go to Glee anymore, partly because of an awkward timetable, partly because I spend all of my time at archery, but also because I haven't been in the right frame of mind for it. This month, I want to change that.

This challenge was actually the boyfriend's idea. After I let him take my ukulele to Uni with him to try and learn, he came up with the idea of trying to learn a duet together, him on ukulele, me on guitar, that we can practice over skype. This should be interesting because he isn't the greatest singer (although admittedly, he is getting better) and when I play guitar, the sound on my skype goes really quiet so I can't hear him anymore.

As well as the duet, I want to learn some new songs for myself. I have done some googling to find the supposed best song of each decade to find inspiration. I want to learn songs that either I wouldn't normally sing, or I haven't played already. This is my list so far:

1: 1950s, Johnny B Goode



2: 1960s, Save the Last Dance For Me



3: 1970s, Heart of Glass



4: 1980s, not sure yet, but maybe I Want To Know What Love Is



5: 1990s, again not sure. Best I could find was Baby One More Time



6: 2000s, Hey Ya



7: 2010s, The Words



(Excuse me while I get distracted by the yummy-ness that is Colin o'Donoghue)

And for our duet, Up



Let me know if you have any other suggestions for songs :)

January 2015

January is always the time people decide to change. A new year, a new me. It should be simple right? Wrong. Change is one of the hardest things to do, and it is something that I don't deal well with at all. I know there is a lot of change that is going to happen this year - I will be graduating, I will have to find a job, potentially somewhere new to live away from my family and my boyfriend. I don't know what is going to happen with that, and that terrifies me. However, I know that if I don't make some changes to my life now, it is going to be that much harder.

I suffer a lot from depression and it has really started to affect my life. I used to joke a lot with Liberty about us "catching" depression sometimes, where we would have all the feelings of depression, but only for a couple of days and then we'd feel better. In the last year though, I have been feeling more and more like I am only catching happiness sometimes. It has made it very hard to be motivated to work, to be happy with being here at University and has put a huge strain on my relationship with the boyfriend. My depression has been causing him difficulties with being away at Uni too, so we have had a very hard couple of months.

Over the Christmas holidays we talked a lot, and I talked to my family a lot. I discovered that a lot of my feelings are the same as what my mum gets, even down to not being able to hug or say "I love you" because you just feel nothing. Neither of us likes feeling like that, and I don't like how my depression is affecting me or the boyfriend, so I have decided to try and do something about it. I really don't like the idea of going to a doctor, getting medication or counselling. It really doesn't sit right with me, so I have to do something, I have to make the change.

Last year, instead of making New Year's Resolutions, my mum made 12 monthly changes throughout the year. This ranged from something little like using more of her lotions and potions, to the more difficult challenge of "just get on and do it". Liberty is following suit this year with her own monthly challenges, and that is what I am going to do as well. New Year's Resolutions are doomed to fail because so much happens in a year that you will forget what you said you wanted to do and who knows if what you want now is the same as what you will want in 6 months time? However, I fully believe that setting yourself targets and challenges is beneficial and good for you, so why not do it on a smaller scale.

My 12 monthly challenges are going to be tied in to helping me manage my depression. I want to make them realistic and also measurable so I can get to the end of the month and (hopefully) look back and be able to say "yes, I achieved that". This month, I am focusing on trying to keep myself busy and use my time productively, instead of wasting time feeling sorry for myself. I have a schedule that I am going to draw up each night with things I want to achieve the next day, work I want to get done and rewards for when I take a break to motivate myself. Keeping busy is going to help me to not feel so lost when the boyfriend leaves for his University in a couple of days. Hopefully my productivity will increase and allow me to study better to help me get back on track for a 2:1 at the end of my degree. Scheduling my days better will give me time to set aside for getting into some kind of fitness regime, which will also help to improve my health. Alongside my monthly challenge, I am taking part in Jantastic to get me back into running, and doing a 30 day challenge and some form of yoga everyday to strengthen my body and make me feel better about myself. A healthy body is a healthy mind after all.

The best thing about these monthly challenges is that I am not alone when I do them. Liberty has already been giving me tips for keeping busy and what I can set some of my challenges to, my mum always supports me and wants to give me all the help she can, and my boyfriend is right there beside me trying to change his life for the better, so we can be better together. I think between us we can make it through.